[date:-492|flashback,x]
The coronation speech of King Ajātaśatru.
(The king, drunk and dishevelled, stumbles onto the lectern, and drops a clay pot onto the floor behind him before resting his arms on the back of the throne. The crowd watches him intensely, slightly uncomfortable, slightly confused and slightly petrified. Gradually, he raises one hand into the air and lets out a bored cry.)
Ah, yes – thank you! Thank you … to who? Yes … to me! From all your wives! You impotent husbands of prostitutes.
No, that is not what I meant to say. But it is true. You know what else is true? Varṣākāra sings as he bathes! He says they are holy chants, but the Ājīvakas do not have holy chants, do they? And even if they did, I am sure he is just inclined towards music and being merry. You know who else was inclined towards music and being merry? My father! And he is dead now!
(The king laughs uncontrollably for a full half-minute. The crowd is frozen in shock, and Varṣākāra is trembling..)
I jest, I jest – he’s just in prison..
Oh yes … that reminds me … my father … I wanted to do something to him.
Kill him? No, not yet.
Torture him? I’m already doing that.
Thank him! Ah yes … that’s what I wanted to say.
Thank you, Father, O mighty King Bimbisāra, the former Lord of the Magadhas – for if not for your seed I would not exist. But then again, neither would my idiot brothers, so is that truly so bad? Yes it is, I am simply that important. No, that’s not why I wanted to thank him. But I must say I do not resemble my father in the slightest. Is there something I must know, Mother? Was there a more intelligent, less lazy Vaiśālī man than my father? I mean, yes, all of them, but I am not certain when you would have had the time to commit such an atrocity—
(The king makes an obscene gesture.)
—however justifiable it may be, to circumcise my father so. From what I know, he did nothing but laze and frolick with his wives like a depraved dog until I urged him to invade Anga.
Yes! That is what I wanted to thank him for. For conquering Anga! Even though it was I who did so, truly. Forgive me, Vapuṣmatī, my queen – I did not wish to slay your family so, I did not wish you to be treated in the manner you were – although I did wish to treat you in such manner. Which I did.
(The king laughs. The queen makes a shy gesture to protect the image of her chastity. A courtier laughs along with the king, and is beheaded on the spot.)
Yes, thank you, father!–Can you hear me from your prison?– for crushing all those petty rebellions. For conquering all those petty tribes. So I can focus on the real task at hand: the conquest of all Āryāvarta!
